What if my parents refuse to talk about it?

Let it rest and try again another time. Going first with your own wishes often opens the door. Even one small answer, like where the papers are kept, is a good start.

When is the right time to have this talk?

A calm, ordinary time, long before anyone is sick. A quiet afternoon or a family meal works better than a crisis.

What should I ask first?

Where the important papers are and who they would want called. You do not need amounts, just where things are and what they want.

Do we need a lawyer for this conversation?

The talk itself needs no lawyer and costs nothing. A lawyer prepares any will or deed that comes out of it.

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How do I talk to my parents about their wishes?

By Mickie Byrd, licensed Texas life insurance agent (NPN 22277248) · last reviewed 2026-07-13

Most families put this talk off. Nobody wants to bring up death at the kitchen table. But asking your parents what they want is an act of care. It says: when the day comes, I want to get it right. Many parents are relieved when someone finally asks.

Pick a calm, ordinary time. A quiet afternoon, a long drive, the table after a holiday meal. This talk is easiest long before anyone is sick, and hardest in a hospital hallway. If you are already in that hallway, a smaller, gentler version still counts. There is no perfect moment. A calm one is enough.

An easy way in is to go first. Write your own wishes down, then tell them you did. Saying what you want makes it natural to ask what they want. A friend's loss, or a story in the news, can open the same door. Questions land softer than instructions.

Keep the first questions small and practical. Ask whether they picture burial or cremation, and whether anything is arranged. Ask who they would want called. Ask where the important papers are kept: the will, the insurance policies, the deed. If they served, the DD-214 discharge record too. You do not need to read anything. Knowing where things are is enough.

Do not push for dollar amounts, and do not ask to see the will. Money details are theirs to share or keep. The goal is not to take anything over. It is to know their wishes and where the papers are. If they close the subject, let it close gently. Another season may open it.

When the talk happens, share it. Tell your brothers and sisters what was said. It saves the family from arguments later, when grief makes everything harder. Then put it on paper: one page with their wishes and the phone numbers the family would need. That one page turns guessing into knowing.

This is not one conversation. It is a door you leave open, and it gets easier each time.

Common questions

What if my parents refuse to talk about it?: Let it rest and try again another time. Going first with your own wishes often opens the door. Even one small answer, like where the papers are kept, is a good start.
When is the right time to have this talk?: A calm, ordinary time, long before anyone is sick. A quiet afternoon or a family meal works better than a crisis.
What should I ask first?: Where the important papers are and who they would want called. You do not need amounts, just where things are and what they want.
Do we need a lawyer for this conversation?: The talk itself needs no lawyer and costs nothing. A lawyer prepares any will or deed that comes out of it.

Getting your own affairs in order is free at The Legacy Kit™. A licensed person answers at 844-BYRD-FIN, and no one calls unless you ask.